Sunday, October 28, 2012

Addictions II

What have you done, Tom? Your lips say that you love, your eyes say that you hate. I hate everything I became. Damned and dirty. I'm hopeless.
I let myself try one last time the goblet of perdition. Nothing can be hide from God's eyes. I fell again. Even though I know that there's no hope for me without Him, I sinned.

Letters on my desk. I cannot open them, at least not tonight; with no enough strength, it's useless. What's left for me is to drown myself asleep into dreams or nightmares; It doesn't matter, as long as they're deep and for a while, erase my memories.

I can't stand by myself, nor I have the strength to fight. I tried once, my efforts were in vain. All I built fell down like a castle of sand taken by the waves.

Tomorrow I wake to work. An open door was asked, so it was given. I don't even know if I'm able to stay,  or if, among all the others, I'll be the chosen one. I'm doing what I can. It doesn't seem to be enough. And if it doesn't do, well that's also my Lord's will. No matter what I'm on His hands.

My heart is too easily corrupted to stay faithful. I hate myself for disobeying. It's like I'm proving myself as a man. Handling the hard work, trying to undo the trouble I made. Not with my own strengths. 


It's a crazy time, for sure. And being confused doesn't help. What the hell?! Sometimes I wanna scream. Silence is the better choice. I can't lose my control.
The Fight is hard, heavy. And I wouldn't be here if God wasn't watching over me.
I'm gonna write here, everything. Unless I'll try. There's nothing to hide, even though I tell things in codes.

My vocabulary is not that extensive, so when I'm thinking about what to write the phrases are always .. I .. I.. I ..and I. It may sound like selfish, but this blog is mine. I don't care who reads it. I don't give a damn about what you'll find here. Maybe someday I'll read this and learn from my past.

Yes, I'm angry today. Because I fell. There's a feeling that pleases me. Something that I appreciate, but doesn't agree to my Lord's commandments. Guess I'll have to fight it my entire life.
About a thing I'm sure, God is Holy, Perfect and Wise. He tells it is bad for me so that's why I avoid this nasty thing. But it calls for me. Everyday and every time, even in my dreams. 

I just can't let myself to be complicated by this weakness. There are terrible thunderclaps this afternoon. But my heart is broken; it got mad about my failure. I took a look and it was the enough to be a sin, because the desire came from the heart, from the depths of my soul. I must keep dead things buried. 

God's burden is light, they say. Well, it means that I can handle it because the strength I'll need comes from the Lord. However, there's a price I gotta pay. Holy Bible never says the tasks are easy, instead they are hard. I'm paying for my crimes. Although I know Jesus paid the price for me. What I'm living are the consequences of my deeds. Every wrong choice..

Sometimes I think it's not fair. What did I do wrong? What's my problem at all? Why can't I reach my dreams? Why they feel so far? Why does thins have to happen this complicated? Why is everything so hard for me? Why..
I heard I've got a lot of nerve. Sincerely, I didn't mean to become this, but I can't help it; my heart shall turn into stone. That's where I'm being led. I didn't want this. How can I keep myself pure, or let love in?

I'm not getting anywhere without God. I'm trying to be a good person, but evil still dwells in me. I must keep dead things buried. Light can't be where is darkness. I can't go on living in the past. I can't distract myself. I gotta give my everything. Nobody understands. Nobody can help me. This is me, and for me only. Of course, God does't leave me. But here, I'm alone. 

Monday, October 15, 2012


"Fight with your bare hands", they say. "I'm no coward", answers the boy to himself. Inside, a fire burns; the battle is calling for him. There's no room for fear now and he closes his eyes. Breathing doesn't help. Whispering voices; consuming memories. He wants to become a man worthy of her love.

Poor Nightingale, morning sorrows of past. "What's the problem? You've got a lot of nerve!" there's still those who encourage him. In a letter is written "I'm rooting for you"; hope is given by a friend. One another says "Your dream is out there waiting for you". He wants to believe, yes he does.

So what happens now? Holding nothing but the will to carry on he wishes to find an ending for the pain. Found in serious trouble, what is left for him is to pray.

Maybe tomorrow shall be a better day. Rest tonight, brave boy. Drown in the deepest ocean or fly over the highest clouds. Everything's gonna be alright. He wants to believe.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Warrior recovers his strengths

10/10/12 - I'm becoming a bit concerned with dates and time. Guess I've been measuring life and how much advantage I've taken of it. Now the music player rides FALLEN - Evanescence. Yes, it's a sort of sad gender; also it's not Christian. Not too long ago all these songs used to fill my heart helping me to erase some nasty memories. Now, let me say that they're played only in some eventualities. (and, of course, listening those songs are of great use when I'm writing in English).

I've been praying, asking God to be by my side now in this moment of need. It was a great Congress this year, and I'm thankful for the friends I'm given. We went to the mound a couple of times these last weekends to seek our God's presence; to tell Him what lies in the depths of our soul; to ask Him grace and courage to stand our ground face all the adversities. And He had helped us till now, and I'm sure that He won't leave us. 

Talking about friendship, while I was typing this, just take a look at what my dear friend Ester sent me on facebook: 

"Guerreiro não é aquele que vence todos adversários com uma luta rápida. Isso, mostra apenas que é um bom lutador. Conceituar guerreiro é comparar com aquele que ao cair, sentindo a cabeça rodar, ver o sangue escorrer do rosto, ja não aguentar sustentar o própio corpo, busca forças pra se levantar, erguer a guarda, e parti pra cima outra vez. No mundo não há lugar pra os bons. Lute para ser o melhor."

Well, it fit like a glove. I'm feeling my strengths coming back to me. Four months here I've been under several tests and proofs as God is shaping me like His own image. And I want to become a man of value. It's a hard work, so. However, certainly everything is gonna fall right into place, in the end. For all intents, I'm on the mend. 

So this is it. The only way that I can express my self; by codes. I come to announce: I'm about to do something difficult, but this time it's different. The reasons that led me here. The reasons that impel me to go on. I have things I did to undo, mistakes to fix. Well, I'm not down with that. Facing some giants is not that bad at all. I'm standing once again to fight; and I'm not alone for God is with me. 

I felt it my entire life; someday I'll get to this point to stand up and fight. Fight for honor, fight for my life. Since all my strengths come from the Lord Almighty there's is only certain in my acts. One by one, things I built up by myself were falling down and even what remained I gave Him. Now I have nothing left. I'm free and ready to restart. 

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Introducing my faith

I wanna write about a few last events of my life and register them here like a diary.

I used to go to church frequently when I was a child. Well, now I’m not just a boy; I’m becoming a man. Twenty years passed by. There's a point in everybody's life that we get to a decision about our faith; about who we are, who we've been and who we are supposed want to be.

I believe God. People say it all the time, but not them all really know who He is, what He've done and what's about to come. I met Him, and I was called by laces of love.

I thought that after delivering my life to God everything would change (and it changed, indeed), that all my fears and sorrows would go away (and they went, indeed), but receiving a new life means to choose to have a new life. You're not freed from doubt, or having suffering because you're still living on the earth. But you know with all the certain that He is by your side, and that's all matter.

Three months have passed by and still I don't regret this decision.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Entre a Fé e a Razão

Quando ouviu o filho perguntar:
E o Cordeiro onde está?
Seu coração sangrou
Quando ouviu o pai lhe responder:
Deus irá prover!
Seu coração temeu

E lado a lado em silêncio os dois choraram
Ao verem chegando o lugar da decisão
Um pedido assim que parte o coração
Como escolher entre a fé e a razão

Quando dizer "não", é opção
E a fé te pede um: Sim
Quando é preciso enfrentar
E a alma quer fugir
É dificil ser como Abraão
E o filho entregar
Ser Isaque e deitar-se
Sobre as pedras do altar

É preciso coragem pra subir
É preciso ter fé pra aceitar
É preciso ter força e dizer: sim
E deitar-se sobre as pedras do altar