Sunday, October 28, 2012

Addictions

It's a crazy time, for sure. And being confused doesn't help. What the hell?! Sometimes I wanna scream. Silence is the better choice. I can't lose my control.
The Fight is hard, heavy. And I wouldn't be here if God wasn't watching over me.
I'm gonna write here, everything. Unless I'll try. There's nothing to hide, even though I tell things in codes.

My vocabulary is not that extensive, so when I'm thinking about what to write the phrases are always .. I .. I.. I ..and I. It may sound like selfish, but this blog is mine. I don't care who reads it. I don't give a damn about what you'll find here. Maybe someday I'll read this and learn from my past.



Yes, I'm angry today. Because I fell. There's a feeling that pleases me. Something that I appreciate, but doesn't agree to my Lord's commandments. Guess I'll have to fight it my entire life.
About a thing I'm sure, God is Holy, Perfect and Wise. He tells it is bad for me so that's why I avoid this nasty thing. But it calls for me. Everyday and every time, even in my dreams. 

I just can't let myself to be complicated by this weakness. There are terrible thunderclaps this afternoon. But my heart is broken; it got mad about my failure. I took a look and it was the enough to be a sin, because the desire came from the heart, from the depths of my soul. I must keep dead things buried. 

God's burden is light, they say. Well, it means that I can handle it because the strength I'll need comes from the Lord. However, there's a price I gotta pay. Holy Bible never says the tasks are easy, instead they are hard. I'm paying for my crimes. Although I know Jesus paid the price for me. What I'm living are the consequences of my deeds. Every wrong choice..

Sometimes I think it's not fair. What did I do wrong? What's my problem at all? Why can't I reach my dreams? Why they feel so far? Why does thins have to happen this complicated? Why is everything so hard for me? Why..
I heard I've got a lot of nerve. Sincerely, I didn't mean to become this, but I can't help it; my heart shall turn into stone. That's where I'm being led. I didn't want this. How can I keep myself pure, or let love in?

I'm not getting anywhere without God. I'm trying to be a good person, but evil still dwells in me. I must keep dead things buried. Light can't be where is darkness. I can't go on living in the past. I can't distract myself. I gotta give my everything. Nobody understands. Nobody can help me. This is me, and for me only. Of course, God does't leave me. But here, I'm alone. 

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